Embracing The Light In Loss
How I Discovered Profound Insights on Grief and Healing Through Deepak Chopra's Wisdom
The Weight of Loss During the Holidays
As the holiday season arrives, the world around me sparkles with lights and echoes with laughter, yet my heart is heavy with sorrow. For me, thoughts of my sister Shannon, my Mama, my sister Sharlene, and my brother Steve flood my mind, each memory a heart-aching reminder of their absence. Over the past year, three of them were taken from me in a mere 18-month span, leaving an indescribable void. My heart aches with the weight of their absence, and I struggle to find joy amidst the grief, yearning for the days when their laughter filled the air and love surrounded us all.
We had often spent our Christmas seasons together through the years, laughing, shopping, and chasing after the most dazzling Christmas light decorations in the surrounding neighborhoods. Today, I’m feeling melancholy, wishing that I could be with my mom and sister Shannon. I so desperately wanted to wrap my lonely and wounded body with one of my mom’s holiday aprons. It was time to cook up a storm with them, baking endless cookies and pies and feeling the joy and connection that the holidays bring. And yet, nobody was there.
Navigating the Depths of Grief
I told myself that wishing won’t bring them back to celebrate the holidays with us this year, and yet, they will forever be the magic and miracles in my heart. As I gazed into the mirror and saw my swollen, teary-eyed face, I asked myself, “How much longer will my face be steeped in sorrow, my eyes shedding tears like a fierce rainstorm? How much longer will my heart ache for my beloved spirits who were my heart when they were alive and well?”
I cry from my soul’s longing for what was, while learning to feel every part of me. I try desperately to embrace my beloveds' eternal love in my infinite consciousness. I wondered, “Mom and Shannon, where are you now? Resting? Restoring? Soaring amongst the heavens? Are you meeting up with brother Steve in the expansiveness of the universe? If you are, please hug him for me. I long for you to come to get Dad and me. Life just seems to be too unbearable without all of you. How much longer shall my spirit cry out in hopelessness and what feels like infinite sorrow?”
My exhausted heart is running at a fast pace, feeling like it is in an endless endurance race in this field of grief and longing. Every beat of my heart is one more that I wish Mom and Shannon had. With each new day that dawns, the unknown arrives again, never knowing when grief and mourning will hit me next. I shall love you, dear grief, when you come again. You and I are embracing a very intimate dance with each other, and I want to get to know and love you better.
Please hold me close.
Finding Stillness in the Midst of Heartache
The hours and days that follow seem forever lost in time. Most days, I feel as if I’ve lost my mind. I can’t remember anything. I don’t want to speak to anyone. Silence, stillness, and heartache overwhelm the space. A prism of endless questions fills my head as I lie down in the darkness, exchanging labored breathing and stillness of breath. This is life force, the air that I’m breathing in and out. I will always treasure my breath, as it is sacred; it is life itself.
I witnessed in real time the indescribable release of my mom and sisters final breath. In their last few moments, I knew that every ounce of life force was struggling to hang on. I laid my heart over theirs in disbelief. I kissed their precious cheeks and cried over their dead bodies. In that moment, I truly understood what it felt like to be an empty vessel, completely hollow and void of the life and love that once filled them.
Their soul had transcended and taken on another life.
None of us are ever the same again. I tell myself that I’ll get through this. I remind myself that God is my rock. He walks beside me, behind me, in front of me, and surrounds me.
No, that’s not it, He carries me.
Embracing a New Perspective on Death
In the dawn of the early morning light, I lay in bed, snuggled up in my white, fluffy, cozy comforter, listening intently to Deepak Chopra’s podcast on life after death. His profound wisdom found me just weeks after my mother died, and his words lit me up like a fire in my heart. I heard him say, “Death ~ now I’m free!”
As Deepak spoke, it seemed as if my soul was literally moving in space just as the stone was rolled away from Jesus’s grave. There was an opening, a curiosity to consider another perspective on death other than the one I had tightly held onto for weeks now. Deepak shared this idea about death, “We who know the deathless nature of the self are not afraid of death. Egotism is an idea based on a false association of the self with the physical elements in reality. This egotism doesn't exist any more than water exists in a mirage. This life of ours is as transient as autumn clouds; to watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance.”
Deepak then went on to say, “A lifetime is like a flash of lightning in the sky, rushing by like a torrent down the steep mountain. But now I am free. I am grounded in being. I'm grounded in the infinite consciousness, and I can see lifetimes ripple by like waves in the vast ocean of consciousness. I am free. I am awake. I am liberated.”
This enlightening wisdom-teaching started to melt the strong rigidity I was holding in my back and my heart. My belief about death began to shift towards Deepak’s philosophy, knowing that we don’t really die. Our soul simply transforms into space and infinity. And yet, it was still difficult to release my grief. I was not there yet. I had to hold on tight to my desire, not wanting to let them go. Instead, I wanted them to come back. It felt more comforting to think that they would.
The Journey Towards Healing
The days after my family had gathered to bury my mama became timeless. Every one of the days melted into the next, like a candle burning with dripping wax, cascading downward. There was no separation from one day to the next. Every morning I woke up, death and darkness were at my doorstep. I felt a deep longing for my mom and two sisters to live again and ease the tremendous tremors my body was feeling from the aftermath of death.
I wasn't prepared to embrace the overwhelming joy they must now feel, enveloped in the boundless love and light of the limitless universe. But… that powerful message Deepak was sending out to the world left me an open invitation. I could lean in a little bit more to bring those thoughts closer to my heart. I could release myself from suffering so much, and give myself a bit of grace and peace. I could allow death to be the miracle that it is, rather than feeling it was an eternal sentence for them and those of us left behind. After all, no matter what I thought, felt, or did, my mom and sisters would never be walking through my front door ever again.
A New Level of Openness
I became broken open to a new level. With a little willingness and a bit of time, my life would be transformed while surrendering to the truth, no matter how hard it was. The powerful lesson was to learn that LOVE is eternal.
I leave you with the promise of Deepak’s words that gave me hope in a time I needed it most:
“You discover the goal of existence by living it. The present is the only time when you can evolve, experience the divine, expand your awareness, or reach enlightenment. But this cannot be a haphazard journey that falters and wanders off the path. It's easy for that to happen when a crisis develops. Sudden losses and setbacks shake everyone up; those who keep moving forward are buoyed by knowing that their path cannot be destroyed, only interrupted.” — Deepak Chopra
Closing Thoughts
Experiencing loss and losing those we love is a journey of the heart. I think that’s why we have hearts—to feel more, learn more, love more, and elevate our souls awakening. With courage, love, and a little willingness, we will get through it and become that much more because we lived.
As Rumi so eloquently shared: "The wound is the place where the Light enters you."
All the love, Shelley Marenka
